11/15/12
Hometown
A boy is visiting
his hometown for a couple of weeks with his family for the first time after
moving away a few years ago. The boy is extremely nervous because he is afraid
that he doesn’t have anything to talk to with his relatives. Also, his
vocabulary for his first language is limited, especially since he mostly spoken
in a second language after he moved, so he is afraid that he can’t even
communicate with his relatives. After arriving in his hometown, he was feeling
very nostalgic and that realized some of the changes that occurred after he
left. The next day, the boy and his family went to visit their relatives. When
he saw his relatives, he was surprised by how much his relatives have changed
after he moved, which made him even more nervous and thought that they were
like strangers. When he started talking to his cousins, he realized that his
relatives hasn’t really changed much since he moved away and that he can still communicate
with his relatives very naturally. Sometimes, he went shopping with his family
for days and they had lunches and dinners with their relatives to catch up or
reminisce about the past. Then, the boy and his family went to visit their
ancestors’ graves. Few weeks later, the boy and his family were leaving their
hometown again. Their relatives came to see the boy and his family off, just
like they did a few years ago. However, unlike few years ago, the boy was very
confident that his relatives will not change much when he comes back to visit
them again in the future because he learned that no matter how much time past
he got separated from his family, they will still love and care for him. That boy is me.
The point:
No matter how much time you spent away from your family, they will still love
and care for you.
I think the story that you have is a very nice one, but so far it seems like you are telling it more so than showing it. For example, when you talk about how the boy is extremely nervous in the beginning, maybe you can edit that and describe how he is feeling in that situation instead of just telling your readers.
ReplyDeleteI liked this! However, because you use boy, I feel like there was never enough character connection, making it an extremely informal 3rd person narrative. Also, split up the paragraphs! And as Samantha said, show us! don't just tell us. This was great!
ReplyDeleteI also how you liked the word boy, it keeps you guessing who it is and builds some suspense. I understand where your coming from though because being away from college it's months at a time where i don't see my family and wonder what's going on at home. Godd job!
ReplyDelete